Monday, 29 April 2013

Worry Wart #23

Let's focus on some positives! I can not recommend this podcast enough. It is also a wonderfully informative website with loads of tips on how to meditate. The method of these meditations suits me down to the ground. No chanting or focusing on something so you can't get it wrong!It's all about learning that thoughts will come and go easily and you can sit quietly in your mind and watch them, they have no consequence to you. Thoughts are not you! This is something that has taken a long, long, loooong time to learn. When I am pottering around the planet thinking 'Argh, I'm so shit!' it doesn't ACTUALLY MAKE ME SHIT! It is a thought and it has no power. That is a brilliant thing to realise!

There are tons to try on the website and I have found there are a couple that really make sense to me and I listen to them depending on my mood. Sometimes, I don't even hear them. Sometimes I fall asleep.
And it doesn't matter. That is perfect :)

Saturday, 20 April 2013

"You know what you need!?"

It is no secret that I am a mentally unstable, anxious young lady. If I don't have a midweek existential crisis, then that was a good week. I have documented my struggle with anxiety on many platforms. If you're my friend, you'll know all about it. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know all about it. If you read this blog, then you'll know all about it.

It's been years since I was young enough to be blissfully unaware. I don't remember when all this started, but it has been a part of my world for a long, long, long time. I have body issues, confidence issues, generalised anxiety disorder and (most of my waking moments) a constant feeling of inadequacy.
My family, on the occasional phone calls or few emails we exchange, ask 'how have you been? Really?' Because they know there's the truth. And then the true truth.

I hope I'm painting the picture of an immature, unsure, depressed, selfish and panicky human being, because that's precisely what I am. I haven't figured myself out yet. I haven't quite nailed my place in the world. I can't catch a bus without crying. I can't answer the phone. I can't eat in restaurants. I can't be a good friend. I can't be real to anybody. I can't make plans. I can't take holidays. I can't book Opticians appointments.

Over the years I've had many nuggets of wisdom thrown my way. Classics such as 'just snap out of it!' 'Just stop panicking!' 'Just stop thinking so much!' (My reaction to and opinion of these nuggets is an entirely different blog post. One that has been written many times before me and will again. And by people better with wurds an' that.) But the one bit of advice that I get frequently that really bothers me, more than any of those?

"You know what you need? A baby. That'll sort you right out.'

I can't begin to describe my feelings about what is wrong with this nugget of 'wisdom.' It keeps being said though. By women in my life who I love and respect on every level. Who brought me into this world and did their fucking best with what they had. The only answer I can ever give when I hear these words is 'how could you!? How could you possibly believe that!?

I find it hard to believe that I am the only woman to hear this message too. I have no proof, obviously. But I just bet there's generations been born from this ridiculous piece of non advice. It makes me so mad to hear it. What if I was in such a state, I was such an impressionable young girl, that I believed it!? And took that as solid, good advice? 'They must be right! They're older and wiser than me!' Argh, it makes me queasy :(
And what would the poor human being I spawned as a result turn out like?! As ill equipped and as scared and as unhappy as I am, I'm just betting!

Please, women, don't say these things to me. Don't say them to anyone.

I don't really know where else I am heading with this blog post. It was just something personal that happened and I was so angry I wanted to write!

Friday, 19 April 2013

Worry Wart #22

This is right now. I can so quickly fall into the pattern of not wanting to go outside or see anyone. And I try to keep working in an attempt to make that ok. I am too scared of being seen, I just don't want anyone to know I exist. I think that people will think 'Look at that girl! Why is she wandering around? Does she not have a job?'

To read from the beginning click here!

Worry Wart 14 - 20.

Here is a Worry Wart update. Sorry for such a lot of pages in one go but I really am not following any rules ya know! :D
I wish I had the original list I wrote at the therapy centre! But it wasn't really one of the things I HAD to pack to move to Ireland! I was given a lot of worksheets too. The good news is, that when I felt I no longer needed them, I gave them to someone else to read! So I hope I helped you mystery person who shall remain nameless! 
I wish I'd tried harder at CBT. I just had no one to talk to! If I had the support I have now, I would have been flying! And me and my parents are on much better terms! I am happy they are happy! But I was never prepared for the affects of divorce on a 'grown up.' 

 To read from the beginning click here! :D

Friday, 12 April 2013

Monday, 8 April 2013

Public Display of Affection

This is my hero: Ian. He's an Earth Rocker and I love him. He has the best beard ever. He's the kindest, most supportive and open minded human being I have ever crossed paths with. He loves comics and Warhammer and my chilli. I am not very good at PDAs but here it is anyway! I wouldn't be here without you Ian. <3

Sunday, 7 April 2013

Worry Wart #13

When I began running I couldn't run for 3 minutes! We'd signed up after new year for the Bristol 10k Race 2010! I thought it sounded impossible but we took it slowly at first - the BEST way! We soon ran 10k easy peasey and I was so proud of finishing the race in May. I've done it again since and I still love running. There is no mood booster quite like exercise. You know why they all say that right?! 'Cause it's true!

I haven't seen these lovely ladies in a long while. If you're reading this - thank you so much! <3

 To read from the beginning click here! :D

Thursday, 4 April 2013

Worry Wart #12

The doctor gave me Propranolol with the instructions 'try to take them before situations that you might panic in.' I had told him I'd become scared of going to cinemas (I had recently left Inglourious Basterds through the trailers in a fit of a panic attack) and cafe's, restaurants and pubs were becoming a no-no! But I just couldn't predict when I would panic accurately. And so I can't say it worked for me. Had I taken one every day instead (I would revisit Propranolol in combination with another drug way, waaay later!) maybe I would have have been ok.

I tried to stay herbal for months! I remember thinking that it wasn't a real problem if I was taking something herbal for it... but I was a nutter if it was prescribed drugs! Silly way of thinking, if you need help - you need help. End of! :D

I do enjoy a nice cup of camomile tea and a sit down. mmmmmm. To read from the beginning click here! :D

Worry Wart #11

So far I am really enjoying it! Those are my actual pyjimjams too :D

To read from the beginning click here! :D