It is no secret that I am a mentally unstable, anxious young lady. If I don't have a midweek existential crisis, then that was a good week. I have documented my struggle with anxiety on many platforms. If you're my friend, you'll know all about it. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know all about it. If you read this blog, then you'll know all about it.
It's been years since I was young enough to be blissfully unaware. I don't remember when all this started, but it has been a part of my world for a long, long, long time. I have body issues, confidence issues, generalised anxiety disorder and (most of my waking moments) a constant feeling of inadequacy.
My family, on the occasional phone calls or few emails we exchange, ask 'how have you been? Really?' Because they know there's the truth. And then the true truth.
I hope I'm painting the picture of an immature, unsure, depressed, selfish and panicky human being, because that's precisely what I am. I haven't figured myself out yet. I haven't quite nailed my place in the world. I can't catch a bus without crying. I can't answer the phone. I can't eat in restaurants. I can't be a good friend. I can't be real to anybody. I can't make plans. I can't take holidays. I can't book Opticians appointments.
Over the years I've had many nuggets of wisdom thrown my way. Classics such as 'just snap out of it!' 'Just stop panicking!' 'Just stop thinking so much!' (My reaction to and opinion of these nuggets is an entirely different blog post. One that has been written many times before me and will again. And by people better with wurds an' that.) But the one bit of advice that I get frequently that really bothers me, more than any of those?
"You know what you need? A baby. That'll sort you right out.'
I can't begin to describe my feelings about what is wrong with this nugget of 'wisdom.' It keeps being said though. By women in my life who I love and respect on every level. Who brought me into this world and did their fucking best with what they had. The only answer I can ever give when I hear these words is 'how could you!? How could you possibly believe that!?
I find it hard to believe that I am the only woman to hear this message too. I have no proof, obviously. But I just bet there's generations been born from this ridiculous piece of non advice. It makes me so mad to hear it. What if I was in such a state, I was such an impressionable young girl, that I believed it!? And took that as solid, good advice? 'They must be right! They're older and wiser than me!' Argh, it makes me queasy :(
And what would the poor human being I spawned as a result turn out like?! As ill equipped and as scared and as unhappy as I am, I'm just betting!
Please, women, don't say these things to me. Don't say them to anyone.
I don't really know where else I am heading with this blog post. It was just something personal that happened and I was so angry I wanted to write!